Why this blog exists right now (and other pertinent tangents)

I've wanted to start a new blog for a long time. I've been procrastinating under the guise of waiting for a lightning strike of inspiration....but ideas came and went and pen did not go to paper (err...fingers did not go to keyboard). However, as my new life has begun to settle (I'll tell you a bit later about the journey), I've had serious moments of being moved and maybe just broken open. Nothing monumental perhaps, but the brokenness is where the juicy stuff is, where the growth really takes place.
 I must have read that in a book of cliches or some spiritual guide must have branded me with that idea, because for months, I've been in the stew of brokenness.....back-stroking my way through the confusion, uncertainty of what's next, and the painful life situations that were all  threatening to pull me under the murky stew waters. Not uplifting, but important to know as you travel along with me.

So now you're wondering about the title of this blog, I know.
You're wondering what I am trying to convey here. But first, the reason I am finally here:

It wasn't some existential crisis, it wasn't a nervous break down...it was one single date several months ago that prompted me to finally come back to the page. Here is my disclaimer: This is not a blog about love. Maybe self-love, but not about the desperate longings of a single girl in New York, though today's just happens to begin as a result of dating...not the cause, but simply the effect.

I'd like to generalize and say that it is so damn hard to be a single woman dating in New York City.Too many women, too many men who don't find the need to settle for one when they can have many, ah, the reasons are in plentitude. I sometimes fantasize about moving away and running into "THE ONE" while I am doing things I love in Austin, Texas or Denver, Colorado, or some other great far away land...I used to believe that the fantasies of meeting a better quality man elsewhere were preventing me from finding a great guy here in New York City. I'll never know,  I suppose.

But alas, I must also admit that without the plethora of bad dates, I am not sure I'd know myself as well as I do. And, I am not sure I'd love myself as much as I have come to, because I have been pushed to care for myself, to lick my own wounds, to make my own cup of tea when I am sick...I have my own back and that is invaluable to me.

It all happened after a date I didn't want to even go on, but my friend Miryam gave me a pep talk and I went on my way. He was in Finance. There are a lot of reasons "Finance Guy" (FG) just ins't for me, but I will keep that for another post on another day. I wanted to be open to all possibilites, even if it didn't feel like a fit. So, the date. He was boring, pretentious, condescending and aloof, only talking about his lust for money. I'm a social worker and humanitarian, and it took a lot for me to hold back my hunger for justice and human connectedness. I don't know why he asked me out, since he admitted mid-date that he usually goes for blondes and I am a 5'3 brunette (which he knew when he met me and asked me out at The Smith). We parted ways after a quick drink and I found myself feeling pretty angry that I had just wasted valuable time, taking a risk that there might be something there with FG. When is it better to listen to your gut than to just take a chance and be open? I started to question my self-worth. The years I've spent looking for the right match, someone with whom to have fun, travel, people watch, throw a blanket down in the park and stare at the sky. I walked through the small park next to the American Museum of Natural History, looked up at the trees, the sky, the moon, and back to the people walking hand in hand. I wondered why I was feeling like my own company wasn't enough anymore (because I do very much enjoy my company). The next thing I knew, I was on the M79 crosstown bus heading home, with tears in my eyes and and my head hanging low. Thanks to the strong navigational system in my unconscious, I somehow wound up in the candy aisle of the Duane Reade near my apartment in search of the only thing that made life feel bearable in tough times: Sea Salt Caramels (seriously, Duane Reade, you've outdone yourselves with these). There were two girls in the aisle with me in search of a 100 Grand. Their conversation was hazy, but as I circled around in my ill-fated search, I began to think of a bigger picture. Women in search, but not finding what they are looking for. Seems to be going around. So, I said it aloud to them: "Seems we are not finding what we are looking for, are we? I just came from a really bad date and all I want is to eat Sea Salt Caramels alone in my apartment, and they have everything but!"

I was sure they'd think I was some pathetic loser, because who talks like that?! But they joined in with equally bad date stories and ample empathy. That was not why they were in search of this particular candy bar, but we began to really get into how uneasy we can feel when we have a bad date (I will outline some examples of a bad date in my next entry in case this confuses you). How bad it can feel when the self- recrimination or just self- examination happens immediately and how much responsibility we can take for being women alone. And let me just say, being alone is not only fine and acceptable, but it can be downright joyful, freeing and life-affirming. Again, I will get into that in my next post. For now, I look back at the night I met Katie and Kristen and how we attracted more and more people into our conversation about dating, because people were just interested in knowing how to connect with other people in a city of iphones, ipads, ear buds, busy schedules... and perhaps even apathy.  I'd never opened up in such a vulnerable way to two complete strangers, but then again, when we resonate with another's struggle, it can be so validating and comforting not to feel alone. We shared for well over an hour even entertaining a few dating tips from many visitors to that candy aisle (one being from a middle aged woman who shared details of her sad evening with her sister and her cat. She suggested I "join an intellectual class". I didn't want to inform her I'd earned two Masters from NYU and that for me, wasn't the path to love, but student debt).

In the end, I was grateful for the company and camaraderie, for the ideas and the congregation of similar souls in that candy aisle. It was the beginning of a new life for me in a way I am unable to articulate just yet. To belly laugh with complete strangers over the absolute lunacy of life is now one of my favorite New York City moments  (and I attract some crazy moments). I'm happy to have made two friends from that bad date with FG. As far as I am concerned, I came out of that night with more than I had before. So, that's how it all started. And it brought me back to writing, when I never thought I'd be able to fill a blank space.

This blog will be about a journey. I hope it will be something that gives you something to think about, talk and laugh about (even at my expense, I can take it!). This isn't going to be a blog of beautiful writing, it's a blog about finding out our truths.

It will mostly be about my own personal journey, those I've seen around me in my work as a trauma social worker, the stories I have come across in the streets or super markets, and of course, those you stories or questions you want to share with me. I hope to reach a bigger audience and find a way for people to connect in an authentic way about their desires, fears or secret feelings they have never wanted to bring into the light of day....I want you to be able to tell me the truth, and in turn, I will share my own. Maybe someone, somewhere can find healing simply in the not being alone.

Oh, and I forgot to mention....as we were about to finally leave the Duane Reade, the Sea Salt Caramels came out of hiding. They were there all along. Had I found them right away, the real gift of that night would have never come to be. Maybe there are guardian angels, after all, hiding what we need until the right time and nudging us towards what is most valuable. Hey....you never know.

Welcome to my life. And thank you for sharing this journey with me.
I hope you will join me in the candy aisle......

My therapy