Untangling the Shoulds

Someone I consider to be very wise recently told me something that will stick with me forever. He said, "Gina...everyone walks around with this illusion that other people have their shit together." Um, yeah, right?! The truth and simplicity of that message hit me straight and fast right in the gut. It struck me how much of my life I have spent thinking I am lagging behind and not doing things "right". I have spent the better part of the last few years reliving my old mistakes again and again, wanting to change and knowing how, but never being able to just get past myself. Sadly....I still compare myself to you. And her and them, oh especially them. I don't know about you, but I have spent way too long comparing myself and my life to others. And you wanna know the worst part?! I know better. So do you, but still, we hold the daggers to our own necks and hold our happiness ransom for some god unknown price.

It leads me to ask: Are we just a world of passive masochists, parading around as people in search of self- progress? Why is it out of any chains, we can't seem to break free of our own? The world doesn't really give a shit what we are doing, and if at best, all we are is a reference point for others, then we should at least laugh at ourselves for being so narcissistic that we think the details of our life path really matter to our facebook "friends".  They want to feel better about their lives, too. 

We are all now trying to find the passion within us, the truth, the life-path that feels freeing and authentically "us". We are trying to wake up out of comas society has somehow managed to successfully place us in time and again. No snooze button this time.... 

There is no escaping the struggles before us, but what we can escape is all the bs that comes along with the struggle.
You know what I mean...the self-judgment, berating, questioning our decisions, ruminating on lost ideas or opportunities or people....we give permission to the little voice that wants to come in and get all SAW on our asses. So, let's take a chance. Let's cheer other people on when they fall flat on their faces chasing a dream and then let's reach out a hand, because someday, in one way or another, we will need that hand in return. Chasing what feels so evasive, so far away, so impossible is what it's all about and it takes more courage than there is language to convey. We need each other. 

The truth is that everyone is struggling in one way or another with something.
Is it wrong that it makes me feel 100x's better? Because I have been living with the notion that I have failed at my life.

But you see, I am failing myself if I continue to believe that I need to do it the same way as everyone else. I need friends who can recognize the glimmers of my emerging parts and assure me that they are not figments of my imagination. I need every kind word uttered by people who meet me and don’t get uncomfortable looks on their faces when I tell them what I am embarking on, despite my unconventional journey to get there. The innocuous appearance of this process belies the oceans of grief and canyons of fears beneath its surface, and not telling the truth about that part feels like not telling the truth at all. That is why I call this blog a confession, but I hope my truths will lock hands with yours, and together, we will hold on like hell when the high winds of expectations come blowing through.

It's a tough atmosphere inside of my head sometimes...how about you? Here is what it sounds like on a good day inside of my head: "I should hurry up and get back to full time work and find a more lucrative job at that, I should be using all of my degrees, I should be happily married, I should live in the suburbs with my happy spouse, I should have 2 amazingly gorgeous, talented children by now and a golden retriever who fetches a glass of wine, I should stop eating carbs altogether and only eat kale, I should change my duvet again, I should stop eating carbs, oh wait, I said that, I should be a successful and well known trauma therapist with her own practice by now, oh, and I should have published all of my articles on subjects few clinicians care to explore, and the great historical novel I'm working on should hit #1 on the NY Times Best Sellers list immediately, I should spend more time writing music like I used to, I should work on having a country home in two different states or maybe I should just move to the west side, I should have a hell of a lot more energy to survive Soul Cycle than I do, I shouldblahblahblahblahblah, fuckthat."

Fuck that. No, seriously....excuse my language, but, fuck that. I'm untangling the shoulds, tossing them overboard and moving on in utter gratitude for the beautiful, gritty, unpredictable life that I get to live out every single day....because, comparing myself to others and putting baby in a corner..."aint nobody got time for that".