One: The Loneliest or Luckiest Number?

After a small hiatus of travel and having international house guests, as well as the good fortune of turning another year older, I am returning back to this space with new thoughts and questions. Of course, birthday's can be a great time to reflect, to take stock of our current reality, and perhaps even set goals for the year ahead (I recently rediscovered that I am one of those chronic list makers. Yeah, I actually make a new list every year with many of the same seemingly unmet goals- yikes!).

Something on my "Goals Ahead" list from last year was, "Welcome love back into your life". Naturally, I was curious as to how much I'd had to drink as I made that list last year. After the crash and burn of an almost decade-long relationship, I thought I was reveling in my single-dom for the past few years. I wanted to make up for the years of being cooped up in routine and familiarity with someone who was ultimately a bad match for me. And make up for lost time, I did! I am sure I am not the only female in New York who feels she has dated more than half the island's male population, and maybe even twice by accident (blame old age?)! Because, I mean...where are all of the great single men hiding?! I don't mind recycling my plastic water bottles, but do I have to recycle dates, too?! I have gone on many a rant about the female to male ratio in NYC. My numbers shift around, as do my sources (we want a good story, right?), but in the end, the facts continue to be staggering and depressing to at least one woman on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

According to http://www.maletofemaleratio.com,  there are "77, 227 more females than males in New York City between the ages of 32 and 35" (1/2013). Now, this can appear somewhat unimpressive at first, but it can really throw a curve ball to those 77,227 women who are amazing, beautiful, smart, talented and...well, unhappily alone.  I suppose in making myself welcome love back into my life, I am really just saying that I am now ready to listen to my happily coupled friends who tell me how much more fulfilled they are now than when they were singling it up. But, wait right there. It's not quite that simple. What about all the variables that go into happiness as a human being on planet Earth? Does being in a relationship mean you are no longer lonely? I don't think there is any research that could answer this question without adding many, many additional questions about who we are and how we feel about ourselves and our lives.

My grandparents were recently visiting New York and my grandmother made it a point to anxiously question my decision to be single (yes, she called it my "decision"). I told her, "look, I am not actively making the decision to turn 34 and be single, but I am actively making the decision to admit that I am 34 and unwilling to settle." This fell on deaf ears and she became more exasperated every time I found a new way to tell her that being married was not something I believed would make or break me. I thanked her for worrying for me, and, obviously for caring about what she sees as my future demise in utter isolation (quite Dickens of her, no?!).

What I wanted to tell her was that I am finally becoming happy with my output as a human in this life I've been given. It has taken many challenges, a lot of painful moments, loss, grief, self-consciousness and the sometimes alienating aches that accompany maturing....so to turn 34 surrounded by great friends and loving family makes me feel damn near ECSTATIC!

They say that old habits die hard, and I do believe this is the case with my grandmother, who is actually quite loving and obviously means well. I was glad she brought up these topics (i.e., my problem state of being single with my usable eggs dying off by the minute!), because when I went back to my birthday journal to make my list of goals for 2013, I put as Number 1, "Realize how lucky you are more often." At the moment, I may be "one", but I am not alone, ashamed or hopelessly yearning for someone to keep me warm at night. If a great man comes along (whom I have not yet dated) and we enjoy our time together more than being apart, I am going to actually be open to the possibilities now (how's that for putting my welcome sign out in the ether?). If not, thankfully, I've been blessed with the resources to fill my life with adventure, beautiful moments of being inspired by nature and art, deep belly laughs with dear friends, and the ability to find not only the meaning in my circumstances, but also the humor.

So, until that potentially fateful day arrives, the candy aisle and I will continue our late night rendezvous after the many happy hours that run past midnight. I will whisper my unabashed love to my handful of sea salt caramels as I contemplate which cats would get along best in large groups and in a small apartment. And friends, instead of a birthday card next year, kindly send condolence cards for the tragic loss of 94% of my eggs while I've been busy making vacation plans.

But seriously, I guess life is just a series of new things to discover and accept about ourselves! There is no right answer to the question posed above. "One" is neither lonely nor lucky, yet it is also very much both at times. If you are indeed lonely...keep the faith. Be good to yourself no matter what, whatever that looks like to you. You know what makes you feel good, alive, loved --  no one else can know that for you, so speak up! Cut yourself some slack. Be someone who won't settle for less than wonderful, true and equally adoring partnerships. Break free from all the damned rules, from needing to find an explanation for why you are where you are, from doing only what others' approve of. Stop fighting for something you maybe don't even want!

It's hard to remember this, but there is no better, no greener grass, no perfect relationship of any kind. We know it intellectually, but we still strive to reach that beautiful illusion of what simply doesn't exist, because our brains absolutely cannot fathom living in a world where we just sit back sipping our coffee  and loving what and who we've got right here before us... just as is.

So, in the end, I guess I only know this: sometimes, I am lonely and my heart feels like its been pared and hollowed out.....more times than that, I look at my life and I feel so extraordinarily lucky that words to convey it fall pathetically short.

But, most of the time, I'm just hanging out somewhere in the middle.
I'm assuming that's where all the cool kids are at?